Recently, I got an email from someone who liked "H Is for Hardcore," so I thought I would reprint it here. Originally, it appeared on elimae.
You'd think that porn would have helped. You'd think that porn would have made everything better. You'd think that porn would have seen that your life went as you had planned. You'd think that "Barely Legal" would have started you out on the right foot. You'd think that "Stop My Ass is on Fire" would have answered any questions you had along the way. You'd think that "The World's Biggest Gangbang" would have illuminated your path into adulthood. You'd think that "American Bukkake" would have demonstrated the importance of hard work. You'd think that "The Vomitorium" would have reminded you this was the life you always wanted. You'd think that "Rough Sex" would have explained you were still alive, no matter how you felt. You'd think that "Perverted Stories" would have made it clear there was no other route for you to take. You'd think that "House of Freaks" would have shown you what it was you were becoming. You'd think that "Pink Eye" would have opened your eyes to where it was you were heading. You'd think that "Midget in a Suitcase" would have illustrated just how little growing room you really had. You'd think that the coprophagy and bestiality tapes would have driven you out to find the girl of your dreams. You'd think that "White Trash Whore" would have gotten you to see it was time to finally settle down. You'd think that "Gag Factor" would have gotten you through the vows. You'd think that "Ready to Drop" would have made you want to start a family. You'd think that "Golden Showers" would have carried you through the darkest times. You'd think that "Century Sex" would have kept you company when everyone was gone and it was you and porn alone, at last. You'd think.
