The other day, I was looking over my resume. There, I had dutifully logged every article, every TV appearance, every media mention. I created it so if one day someone wanted to know if I ever did anything, they could look at it and conclude that, well, at least I did 14 pages of something. In any case, here are a few highlights from my glorious, decade-long career as a sex writer. At some point, I heard about a new sex doll. A male sex doll. I called up the male sex doll's manufacturer and asked them to send me one. So I could write about it. One day, the UPS man showed up with a big box. In it, there were two male sex dolls. I decided to go on a date with the male sex doll. I got one of my friends to photograph it. Me and my male sex doll went to Fred 62. We sat at an outside table. Somewhere there is a photo of me feeding it French fries. This date did not have a happy ending. On another occasion, I covered "The World's Biggest Gang Bang III." That was probably not a good day for my mental health, but one makes the choices one makes in one's life. My duties were myriad, but not as demanding as the star of the movie's. The article I wrote about my experiences there included the phrase "apocalyptic fuck"; described its star thusly, "The hole's name is Houston"; and was the piece in which I coined the phrase: "Super Bowl-sized circle jerk." I also covered the story for a Playboy TV show. Later, the executive producer said he thought it was hilarious when I stated to-camera: "It smells like a sperm bank in here." On yet another occasion, and for that same TV show, I did a story about a midget porn star named Bridget Powers. The segment featured me dressed as Dorothy from Oz and Bridget stage-wrestling over a three-foot double-headed dildo. It probably bears mentioning I am six-two. The movie Bridget was starring in that day was called "Midget in a Suitcase." Bridget's costar was named Dick Nasty. At the beginning of the scene, Bridget got zipped into a suitcase. At the end of the day, Bridget cried. Ultimately, I concluded that being on the set of a midget porn movie was completely fucking depressing. These days, I never dream about any of this. I'm not sure why. Not long ago, I dreamed about Jim Powers. I shook my finger at him. He put me in a headlock. In the dream, that was a compliment.
