Every year, the entire internet eagerly awaits my Top Five 2007 Sexy Time Stories That Deserve Further Consideration list. Well, not really. This is its first year. Apropos of nothing, here are a few sex-related stories--from dirty words to porn wars--that deserve a second look.
The Dirty Run for the Presidency: I can't tell you how deeply fascinating this photograph is to me. In it, Bill Clinton looks up at his wife, the presidential candidate. All we see of her is a pair of golden, pointy-toed kitten heels. I have no idea what this photo "means," but whatever it's saying, it's really something. The first time I was on CNN, a long time ago, I was discussing the Monica Lewinsky scandal. Probably, I was the first--and last--pundit on CNN who queried, rhetorically: "What girl wouldn't want to nail the president?" Oh, those were my halcyon days. At the time, the nation was simultaneously outraged and fascinated by this sordid story, one in which a presidentially cum-stained navy blue Gap dress had taken center stage. Now, the once scandalized ex-President's new role in his wife's bid for the presidency may be what lands her a seat in the White House. Once upon a time, I had a dream in which I kissed Bill. Sadly, that dream never came true. But I sometimes wonder what pact these two made after he publicly disgraced her. Hillary knew she would one day get her turn in return. Today, at her heels, the Ex sits, penitent, a perverted one-time president who became America's number 1 SAM.
Take My Robot, Please: This year saw the release of Love and Sex with Robots: The Evolution of Human-Robot Relationships by AI expert David Levy. This is the kind of subject writers spot and immediately pitch. Somewhere out there an editor will give you the nod on covering it because they know America's roving eyeballs will gravitate towards anything considering the significance of humans and machines bumping uglies and bot bits. The New York Times and the LA Times reviewed the book--no small feat. Why? At least in part because Levy pronounced that by 2050, humans and robots will be falling in love, having sex, and getting married on a regular basis. Whether or not this is true is not the point. The more interesting question is why we are so intrigued by this prophecy. Humans desire to find others that are not so, well, Other. The answer, we would like to believe, lies in robots programmed to give us what we need, a perfect mirror of ourselves reflected back at us--literally. The more likely reality is that we will become part machine and part human before we divide into two distinct incapable-of-breeding entities. And that, of course, will turn American bedrooms into Uncanny Valleys.
From Huckapoo to 16 Pubed: This year, writer and blogger Daniel Radosh began diligently tracking self-censorship in the mainstream media. On his blog, Radosh points out the ludicrous ways the media deals with the words it worries it cannot say. In a post entitled "All the News That's Shit to Print," Radosh, uh, fingered the New York Times for printing the word "shit" in its pages for the second time this year. The word "fuck," he added, had appeared in the Times only once, in the Starr Report. (The word "bukkake," I added, has appeared in the Times the same number of times as "fuck.") Since then, he's focused on the "n-word," Britney Spears, slur policies, hookers, goatfuckers, a fucked up band, crapping versus waterboarding, superfarts, something even I don't want to print, David Carr's trip to the Pussy Ranch, MILFs, ****, @#%$, and 16 Pubed. In 2007, bloggers posted the news that was too dirty to print.
Year of the Slut: Every year, sex writers are always looking for the Big Sex Story, whatever tawdry tale that appears to embody where the American libido is really at these days. Sadly, I don't know that there was one such definitive American wet dream. Yet, without a doubt, this was the Year of the Slut. From the frequent appearances of the vagina that belongs to Britney Spears to the SNL skit starring Justin Timberlake with his dick in a box to the endless sexual hijinks on "Rock of Love," "I Love New York," and "A Shot at Love with Tila Tequila" to the is-it-or-isn't-it sex on HBO's "Tell Me You Love Me" to "Knocked Up"'s prosthetic vagina and "Hostel 2"'s post-feminist torture porn to the unapologetic sexplorations of a whole new generation of Jezebels, 2007's motto was: "If it's there, fuck it." Somehow, sluts male and female became our icons. We may not be altogether sexually liberated yet, but our inner-demons are exorcised when across our glowing TV screens the promiscuous are unleashed.
The War on Porn Was Lost--and Porn Won: In an Arizona courtroom in late October, the US government went to war against Phoenix-based adult video retailer Five Star Video. Of course, the target wasn't really Five Star at all. What the feds really wanted was the head of Jeff Mike, a Porn Valley-based producer who runs JM Productions, an adult video production company best known for having spawned "American Bukkake." Over at AVN.com, you can peruse how it all went down in Arizona, but suffice to say that while one of the videos targeted in the indictment was found to be obscene, Mike walked out a free man. So, thanks Obscenity Prosecution Task Force. We appreciate you so much, Adult Obscenity Squad. This year, the Bush administration lost the War on Porn. In 2007, porn won.
