Wednesday, March 19, 2008

Invisible


For a variety of reasons, I feel overwhelmed. There was enough shit going on in the last week that whatever relatively sane (ha) ecosystem my brain has become, it was starting to get destabilized. Too many accusations that the letters from johns projects is salacious. (Are you fucking kidding me?) Too many emails, period. Too many you should do this, and you should do that, and what about this, and how about you write a book, and how about you write a nonfiction book, and how about you write a novel, and how about it's about porn, and how about you stop writing about porn, and there's this agent, and there's that editor, and please do me a favor, after you read this, do not send me an email saying you are sorry for any part of this because by the time I'm done writing this, the person I am right now will be gone. (Oh, and then there's, well, it's fine if I feel that way--but don't blog about it, sweetie. Fuck that shit.) I hate doing what I am told. I hate doing what I am supposed to do. Does anything here, from the bukkake to the pornography, suggest that I am trying to walk the straight and narrow? There's a pull outside of me and inside of me towards the mainstream, and there's a pull inside of me and outside of me that wants nothing more than to go back to Porn Valley and lose myself and my mind in all that fucking obscenity. Maybe you have something in your life that's like that? Maybe you don't. Ever since the hurricane, I've been so fucked up, and I'm so tired of it. Be a good girl, I tell myself. But I can't. I yam what I yam. Today, I threw out the last fucked up, being-a-pussy version of the novel that I started not long ago. I decided to rewrite it from the mind of the pornographer who appears in the title story of You're a Bad Man, Aren't You? Fuck the porn star. Fuck the girl journalist. Fuck the police. And fuck Buck Banks. Go inside the mind of the beast. After all, he's the one I like the best, after all these years, baby. So fuck agents, and fuck genres, and fuck everything else. I'm tired of trying to be a good girl that I'm not.