Now that I've returned from Porn Valley, the great debate arises. From here, do I go back to LA, back to the Valley, or do I move on, move to NYC? Last night, I thought I knew. I had decided. At one point, I re-read an email that was sent to me last fall by a merchant seaman who understands this dilemma.
"But, I noticed a trend in that people who go to sea beyond a certain time stay at sea. They 'get the sea in their blood.' True."
I thought, Oh, that's me. I've got it in my blood. I can't let it go. It's hard to explain. If you think you've been there, you probably haven't. If you know you've been there -- well, you understand me completely.
In any case, I woke up this morning, and I wasn't sure what to do all over again. What was I thinking? I thought. And then there in my email box was another email from the merchant seaman.
Dear Susannah-
I read your April 8th entry in RC: when I dream, I dream of the sea. Actually, I have been reading you and your work continuously since I sent the note below. I am the merchant seaman who wrote you.
If I may say, I worry about you.
I read about the loss you suffered, your headlong dive into the porn culture, and the success that followed you upon writing about this aberrant culture in an intelligent manner. Your success and the people who want to see you tumble back into the abyss to send them back marketable, or remarkable, missives.
Golden handcuffs.
You have a strong voice. I do not need to affirm this, many have said so much more eloquently than I. Porn is a nitch, you are regarded as an expert, it was your entre. Porn is not your muse. Your voice transcends. I see that when you write about the borders of sexual expression. Write of it authoritatively, but not as a participant. You paid your dues.
Don't let people drag you to what you have outgrown. Your voice is clear and strong. Write what you need to write, not what is expected or demanded. You are not less, you have not missed your ride. You are more than the subject. Do not see yourself as the marketers demand to see you.
I wonder if I have said too much. Rereading, I see that I have. Maybe a bit repetitive, there, as well. If you forgive me, I will not edit what I have written.
Be peace. Please.
