Behind the Scenes at the Reverse Cowgirl

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Here at Reverse Cowgirl Labs, I get to peek behind the curtain that is the American facade and see what's going on inside of the American mind. How? There are no endless rows of bubbling over test tubes, no padded rooms outfitted with electric shock machines, and no gurneys upon which I perform illegal vivisections here. To understand what you people really want I need look no further than this blog's search engine query log. It's like the XXX-rated version of Google Zeitgeist. And what's my conclusion? You people are weird. Take yesterday, for example. The first query of the day that caught my eye was "porn star with tattoo around her anus." As someone who has spent far, far too much time around the American porn industry, I was not particularly impressed by the idea of a porn star with a tattoo "around her anus." After all, if you've chosen a career in which your nether regions garner more on-camera time than your face, why not embellish your asshole? What I wonder is who is searching for the porn star with the tattooed anus? I am willing to bet it is some guy at State Farm in Skokie. The next one that got my attention was a search for "fisting gone wrong porn." Another thing I've learned in my extensive studies is that--for the most part--people's sexual fantasies are really particular. This individual is not interested in porn, he's interested in fisting porn, and he's not interested in just any fisting porn, he's interested in fisting gone wrong porn. Surely, it's only a matter of time before a Porn Valley producer reads this and starts churning out "Fisting Gone Wrong," the AVN Award-winning adult video. The next query of note was "tall girls with midgets male porn site." I am not even sure what to say about this one. Who is the person with the tall girls having sex with midget men porn fetish? Where does this person live? What does this person look like? Most importantly, did his online quest for his sexual holy grail end in happiness--or in heartbreak? Sadly, I do not know the answers to any of these pressing questions. After that, this query came down the pipeline: "Can you be a porn star?" I get asked this question a lot. The answer is always the same. No, you cannot. Following on the heels of that existential question came one of the most popular phrases that brings searchers to these pastures: "Jenna Jameson fucking." Of course, there are many permutations of this phrase: "Jenna Jameson having sex," "Jenna Jameson vagina," "Jenna Jameson porn." One of my all-time favorites was "Jenna Jameson with penis going into vagina." Thank you for clarifying. What always baffles me about this query is wouldn't it have been enough to type in "Jenna Jameson"? It seems like the whole "having sex" part is rather redundant, seeing as "Jenna Jameson" and "porn" are kind of like the same thing. Later, I saw someone had come here while looking for "Gloria Steinem." Whoever you are, I apologize. A few minutes after that, I found what may have been my favorite query of the day: "MONKEY FUCK." Monkey fuck, indeed, my friend! I have no idea what this human was looking for but I appreciate their sexual creativity and the erotic passion that drove them to use all caps. And so, Godspeed, Monkey Fucker, for who knows what today will bring.