Every year, the entire internet eagerly awaits my Dirty Little Christmas Gift Suggestion List. Well, not really. This is its first year. Apropos of nothing, here are a few of my favorite gift ideas for you and for yours.
1. Sure, a vibrator might not be on your girl's Christmas gift wish list, but that doesn't mean she doesn't want one. She does. Here, a few of the best: Hello Kitty Vibrator from Sanrio, Lipstick Vibe, Vanity Unit.
2. Locher's features dirty word embroidered delicate lady things for the sassy girl who prides herself on saying things like "No Time to Fuck," "You Suck," or "Good Luck, Motherfucker." These happy time sayings delicately stitched into genteel clothing items are perfect for that girl who says, "Come here," and, "Go Away," at the same time.
3. Nothing says "I love you" like a Boing Boing T-Shirt featuring a COOP designed Jackhammer Jill with enormous ta-tas. This one is for the guy who isn't afraid to say: "Merry Christmas. I like big boobs."
4. For those men and women who reveal themselves by their coffee table books, I suggest: Marilyn Minter. Her luxe, lush photographs of half-naked glamazons puddle-stomping in heels are nothing but hot.
5. Speaking of hot, did someone say Tom Ford? This is a man who makes me want to be a gay man just so I can date him. No luck, dammit! His Limited-Edition Black Orchid Perfume is $600.
6. If you are smart, kooky, weird, and maybe a little funny looking, if you frown upon the holidays so relentlessly that people you know throw rocks at the back of your head at the mall, buy everyone you know a copy of David Lynch's latest mindfuck, "Inland Empire," and call it a day. Wrap it in brown paper and tell them all: "It's a movie about whores." Everyone will love you for it. Except for your in-laws.
7. Shaun Leane's 18ct Yellow Gold & Red Enamel Thorned Heart Locket is surrounded in thorns and includes a locket where you can hide a lock of your love's hair. From Alexander McQueen's jeweler.
8. What do you get the hedge fund manager who has it all? Look no further than the 2008 Lamborghini Reventon, the only car named for an infamous bullfighter killing bull. It's a steal at one million euros.
9. I love this Garter Tank from Kiki De Montparnasse. Wifebeater. Garter. The effect is a Tank Girl that you'd want to have sex with.
10. If the question is the ultimate gift, the answer is Elise Vanderhof, the woman that Esquire crowned the world's most expensive escort. For 25 grand, your holidays are bound to have a very happy ending.
