Every year, the entire internet eagerly awaits my Best of Every Dirty Little Thing list. Well, not really. This is its first year. Apropos of nothing, I've decided to list the highlights of those things that caught my eye throughout this year. You know, like the horse fucking movie that I just can't get out of my head. Yes, that's how we rolled in 2007.
Best Movie: Without a doubt, the award for Best Movie 2007 goes to "Zoo," the impressionistic documentary about men who have sex with horses. If a director can make bestiality beautiful, he deserves an Oscar. Sadly, I doubt the Academy shares my feelings on this matter.
Best Book: Obviously, the award goes to Crooked Little Vein by that rapscallion Warren Ellis. If the question is godzilla bukkake on page 32, the answer is yes. "Bukkake, whatever it was, appeared to be hip among the young folk of today." Indeed, Mr. Ellis. It was, indeed.
Best Tech: If everything old is new again, then everything new is old again. Either way, fuck the iPhone. The return of the discontinued Hello Kitty vibrator was the big tech news this year. For women.
Best Music Video: Iranian artist Sooreh Hera spawned a new genre, Muhammed Gay Porn, and Muhammed knows we are all the better for it. Screw the controversy that got her censored. The music video, "Allah Ho Gaybar," will rock your casbah and your gay friends.
Best Blog: If blogs have turned us into a nation of exhibitionists, Ashley Blue is this country's fearless leader. This girl does things on her blog that I don't even do in the privacy of my own home. Ever.
Best Porn Movie: Yeah, right. Porn movies suck. Hasn't everyone learned that lesson already? The only good porn movie ever made was "The Operation," a sci-fi flick shot in infra-red and released in 1995.
Best Photography: If you are a closet fashion fiend, SHOWstudio is the altar at which you worship. Nick Knight lets visitors peek behind the scenes at the making of real style. My favorite set of the year was "BEASTING," a totally hot homoerotic clusterfuck between Knight's vision and Galliano's clothes that made my eyes bleed, in a good way.
Best TV Show: Suffice to say, when in comes to TV, my taste is trashy. From the faux-reality of "The Hills" to the stripper fights of "Rock of Love," my love for horrible television programming runs deep. That's why I am ashamed to say I love New York. This woman, if that is what she is, the one fourfour has so fittingly compared to Miss Piggy, she of the fake eyelashes at all times, hater of dirt, water, and mud, the lady who only treads this earth in stripper shoes, this horrible dresser, this disaster of a woman, New York is all women, how we feel inside, our externalized fantasies of our innermost selves, our secret lives as drag queens in contemporary American popculture.
Best Art: Death becomes Ashley Hope, a painter working in the medium of lustmord, or lust murder. On four by six foot canvases, this artiste brings to life the subjects of 20th century crime scene photos: all women. Flayed and splayed on MetaFilter, Hope stand as one of those few who can still provoke. In her work, our humanity and our inhumanity is revealed, and "the true nature of it all looms naked."
Best Moment of Zen: Stripper turned screenwriter Diablo Cody generates Oscar buzz with "Juno." In 2007, sex trumped them all.
