Random Emails That I Have Recently Received

Here are some emails that I have gotten as of late. You send them. I publish them.

Regarding "Letters from Johns":

I know the blog is now closed, but I just wanted to say that its something that really touched me. I've been on the Internet pretty much since its been around and it seems so rare to find actual, touching stories like those that are on there. I've always felt like the Internet could be something that would bring people together. Yet it seems so rare.

Its 2am and I found myself clicking page, after page, after page. So many of the stories I could relate to. Everything from religion to rejection. I guess its like all the stories you imagine men might tell, but you never hear about.

I'm not sure why you decided to do the project, but I just wanted to say that I'm glad you did. There are so many times in my life recently that I feel like I'm abnormal and that I'm never going to find friends or that special someone. Then I read all of these stories and realize that yet once again these people are all around me. But yet I still don't know how to find or communicate with them.

Reading all of it doesn't really make me feel changed or anything like that. But it touched me in a way that made me want to reach out to whom-ever decided to put all those stories together and share them with the world. Which was obviously you. So thank you. I'd say 'keep doing it' but you already seem like one of those people who will. For that, I'm sure there are many of us out here who are grateful. Even if its only in very small ways.

Thank you

[Redacted]

Regarding the Boing Boing post that I wrote about Frank Mir v. Brock Lesnar:

Ms. Breslin, 

While I have quite enjoyed most of your posts on BoingBoing, I have to say that I am very disappointed that you posted the results of the most recent UFC fight.

Despite the debate that raged on whether it was a "wonderful" post or not, I have to say that, as an expatriate who cannot watch the fights on PPV or tape delay, you have effectively ruined two of the biggest cards of the night for me. I had successfully avoided most websites where the results might possibly have been posted and BoingBoing was the absolutely last place I would have expected to see them.  Even if you don't much care for sports or big sporting events, in the future, please try to avoid posting the results online.

[Redacted]

Regarding--well, nothing. This guy I don't know sends me random emails sometimes that I publish. This is the latest. The subject header: "This is not a lame way to ask for a phone number."

I was drunk. It's almost impossible to me to be completely sincere when I'm not and if the subject is my own emotions, that adds up a little more difficulties to the situation. Anyway, I was really drunk and alone, trying to say something that was -besides my own difficulties- hard to say, but I had to say it anyway! So, there was no one who I thought it could get what I wanted to say the way I was trying to put it. So I thought in two persons: One it was you, the other was an old friend who I haven't seen in years. I called her. She spoke a sincere and effusive "Hello! How have you been?" and then I said -half drunk, half more drunk-: "We people don't speak the same language. I'm not talking about english, spanish, russian, etc. I mean when we talk to each other we don't mean the same things even if we use the same words. Everybody has a different language even for the simplest words like 'worried' or 'angry', we mean totally different things when we -try to- speak. So, I believe we get confused. We believe we understand each other because part of our languages are similar and in that exact point we can imagine we understand each other, but we don't. The truth is that we don't...", then she said: "Okay... go on...". So I continued: "The thing for which I'm calling you is because I've always felt that you and I we speak a very similar language and I've never said this before but I'm sure you know what I'm talking about". She stood in silence for a few seconds and said "I get it, I know what you mean. Are you ok? Are you drunk?". I said "Yes and I'm sorry about that, but I thought this would be interesting for you to hear and I needed to say it before I get worst". She said "Ok, don't worry it's ok, I get to thinking many many things about me and my own stuff, I wish you get over whatever you are going through, I send you a big hug and a kiss". I said "Ok, me too, see you then, bye". And I got to sleep.

That was more then a week ago and today I visited your flickr and your blog and I remembered you were the other person I wanted to say this. I'm not drunk this time but now I'm much better than that day and for my own surprise I remember every word I said when I made that drunk-call. So, this is not a lame way to ask for your phone number, but I thought you might wanted to read it.

Para ser sincero, no tengo ni la menor idea de porqué te uso para hablar conmigo mismo; me sorprende tal vez más a mi que a ti. En fin, hay cosas que no tienen explicación. Gracias por leerme y por dejar que a veces hasta mi voz se asome entre tus posts.

[Redacted]

Xeni says the last part means:

"To be sincere, I don't have the slightest idea what use you'd have in talking to me. It surprises me possibly more than it does you. In the end, though, there are things that do not have an explanation. Thank you for reading me and for allowing my voice to appear within your blog posts from time to time."

Image via This isn't happiness.

Letter to a Young Writer

Yesterday, I received this email from a young writer seeking guidance.

Hello Ms. Breslin-

My name is David, and I've been reading your blog "Reverse Cowgirl." I'm a young (24) aspiring writer, and by aspiring I mean, hoping to someday be reimbursed my for contributions. I don't mean to bore you, but I'm intrigued by your style and topics, and would like to know more about how you forged your writing career. If you have time I would love to know more about:

1. Did you attend journalism school? Is it a good way to "break-in?"
2. Are you able to support yourself solely on your blogging and writing? If so, how long did it take for this to become possible?
3. What was your "break"?
4. What suggestions might you give for someone like myself who has a years experience writing for a handful of small magazines?

I understand you're very busy, and however you prefer to answer my questions (via email, phone, later on) please just let me know. Thank you again for your time, and the best of luck to you.

Thanks,

David Johnson-Igra

Today, I respond.

Dear David:

Most of the time, when I receive emails like yours, I delete them, leaving them ignored and unanswered. Now 12 years into a little-rewarding writing career, I have grown bitter, jaded, and tend to see bright-eyed, bushy-tailed upstarts such as yourself as little more than potential competition. Why would I help you? I was about to delete your email, which I found to be particularly bright-eyed and bushy-tailed, and therefore especially worthy of deletion--when I stopped myself. What was it? Your odd name? Your supplicating ways? Your seeming understanding that I am "very busy," when, in fact, I am not? Anyway, I decided to respond. Consider yourself ... lucky? Or, maybe, unfortunate.

1. No, David, I did not attend "journalism school." Is there really even such a thing? I guess that's what they call j-school. For some reason, I only associate it with Columbia. Go figure. I took one "journalism" class in college. I remember something about pyramids. And a book. But I remember all too clearly the day the professor said how much journalists made. That was the day I changed my mind about becoming a journalist.

I have no idea if that's a good way to "break-in." Considering that the state of journalism today is like that of a bank that has been robbed, it's hard to imagine why anyone would want to "break-in" to it anyway. Mostly, I think schools are for dipshits and traditional ways of going about things are for losers. You can see where that got me. Blogging. And writing to you. And ruing my life choices. Go if your parents pay. If they don't, forget it, or you'll end up with $50K in debt you can never hope to repay.

Conclusion: Fuck "journalism school."

2. Am I able to support myself solely on blogging and writing? Well, David, nosy, aren't you? I guess that would make you at least a half-decent journalist. Either way, I am too chronically obtuse to answer your question other than to say I have a day job that involves writing and editing without which I would be shaking a tin cup on the corner and shouting at you about the coming end of civilization in 2012. (All journos are deeply invested in the Mayan calendar, FYI.)

If you think I make money off blogging, you are misguided. Once, I made some money off this blog by running some American Apparel ads featuring porn star Sasha Grey wearing some thigh-high socks and a thick genital shrug of pubic hair. Welcome to journalism 2009. It's an ugly world.

Sometimes, I like to torture myself by thinking back to 2000, or whenever it was, before the dot-com bubble burst and we all died. It was an amazing, heady time. I used $20 as toilet paper and ate Chicken Kiev flown in from the Russian Tea Room for breakfast. Truly, I wrote for a website called Beer.com that paid me, like, a $1,000 for, I can't remember, a monthly 500-word column or something. That was a good time. Until it wasn't. And then it wasn't.

Conclusion: Don't quit your day job. Ever.

3. What was my "break"? Ah, surely you jest. Do I seem like someone who has had one? I'm like the grimy-faced canary in the mine that the head coal digger keeps on a tiny dental floss leash so he can beat it with a miniature sapling whenever he likes.

Seriously, kid, my first big break was when I was corunning some asinine site about postfeminism and cajoled a booker at "Politically Incorrect" into letting me on the show. They pitted me against Erica Jong. It was kind of awesome.

More recently, the word "break" brings up less happy connotations. Like the idea of a broken person whose industry is slipping through her hands like a gelatinous jelly fish. Make it stop, David.

Conclusion: There are no breaks.

4. What suggestions might I have for someone such as yourself "who has a years experience writing for a handful of small magazines?" Well, to be honest, my first mental response was: Learn how to use apostrophes. But that's not very nice, is it?

In the past, I've written my response to aspiring writers: Don't. It's just that simple. Pick something else. Don't do it. Go become a rug cleaner like your mother suggested. Writing is a hideous, torturous art fit for expert masochists and idealist losers. Learn a trade. Marry a cougar. Go away and leave me the few jobs that remain. You little shit.

But, Young David, if you insist, my advice is this. Become a writer. I actually bothered to Google your name, and it seems like you can write, a little bit, at least, which is really the only reason I bothered to respond.

So, if you insist on becoming a writer, against my wishes, do this. Do something different. Most writers can't write. Most journalists are shit. Go where no one else will go. Write what no one else will write. Tell the stories nobody wants to hear. Write for love. Do gigs for free. Stop churning out the same boring fucking copy that your peers are dutifully filing like a bunch of self-congratulating monkeys and find out what "beyond the pale" really means. Read this. And this. And this. Go into the ghetto. Interview a homeless person. Find out what it's like to get jizzed on for a living. Fuck the pyramid, fuck j-school, fuck writing for a living. Fuck your computer, fuck your rent, fuck whatever your parents said. Go and live. Go be in the world. Go push yourself until you cry and then go back for more and then write about it. Because that's what real writers do. They don't just write about it. They live it. And then, if you're lucky, you can find out what it's like to lose everything, how to get the guy to show you the AK-47 that you know he has hidden in his closet, or joke with a soldier about giving a stripper the implant in his head that's stretching his burned skin because he drove over an IED in Iraq after he's done with it. Why? Because then you can die knowing that whatever you did, or whatever you wrote, hey, at least you weren't a fucking coward like all those lame-asses that went to j-school, wrote shit copy for lame newspapers, and thought they were really pushing it because they did an email interview with Sasha Grey.

Conclusion: Get out of here, kid.

You're welcome.

Love,

Susannah

Depending on the Kindness of Strangers After a Long Night Spent Dreaming of Flying Fire Ants

Hi Susannah,

Just wanted to extend a quick thanks for linking up to the Colliding Particles videos. I just watched them all. These are the kind of people that help me keep some hope in humans. I took my son to the open house at JPL in Pasadena this year and got myself involved in conversations with a couple different engineers there. I'm not sure how to explain the energy I feel when I'm around people creating or defining their worlds as they go. I've felt something similar from some of the musicians and artists I've met. It's something I feel reading your posts.

I'm gonna use the particle link as an excuse to take a moment and thank you for living your life so openly and honestly in such a very public way. I can't imagine it is easy. Only knowing you from the reflections cast by your writing I can't really attest to the why, but to me what you are doing is a very brave and helpful thing. It's strange and humbling to find bits of clarity in my life from the suffering and joy of a woman living a life that is very different from my own. I'd say keep up the good work or something corny, but really, my hope for you is clarity of purpose in whatever direction you take. I'll be following the part that remains public. :)

Thanks,

[Redacted]

(Image via Agraphie)

Smokin'

Hello,

Lots of things have happened in my life since the last time I wrote/read you, some related to sex but I think that's not important for the moment. I haven't even had time to read blogs but I went back to my favorites and found some websites, yours obviously was there. So I visited your blog, searching for what I have found before in it, and I couldn't. I tried reading again what I read the first time I got there but then again, nothing. Something strange was happening, the whole thing looked different, but it was the same blog, it was you writing about your writing and other's writing, it was sex and you and ourselves and the old links I recognized, but what I was looking wasn't there anymore. So I got to read a few recent posts and suddenly -I didn't realize exactly when- I found you, again. I mean I found your reading or what I know from you (in this case I believe it is the same thing). So everything started to be clear to me, the conclusion I got for myself I mean.

The way we look at things, connected with the way we are, connected with what we are, connected to what we are attracted to, all these things can evolve and become a bigger and complex thing that keeps growing and growing even if we don't get to understand a part of it, of even if we don't get to understand it at all; I'm refering to life, our life within. In essence we remain almost the same, even if all the universe outside changes.

Hug, read you around,

[redacted]

Recent Emails I Have Received and My Answers to the Questions Within Them

Question #1:

Hey Susannah Breslin-

I've read your website since way back when it had, I think, a different name. I'm a filmmaker and am always thinking about making a movie about porn. There's gotta be another one besides BOOGIE NIGHTS (that's good). Probably other folks have contacted you about your book and "movies", but if you're out in Los Angeles again maybe we can grab a cup of coffee. I get these kind of requests and am sometimes put off, so if this is out of line we can go through our agents.

I don't really know anything about your book, of course, but I know you've been obsessed with the making of pornographic material and I enjoy your sensibility. I sent you some bukkake rules I found and you posted them. I sorta have a bukkake in a goofy film I made called [redacted].

a fan,
[Redacted]

Answer: No.

Question #2:

Dear Ms. Breslin,

My name is [redacted] and I am an Instructor-type at [redacted] in majestic [redacted]. I am writing to ask your permission to use select text(s) from Reverse Cowgirl as source material for a performance project I am planning for fall of 2009. A bit of context… I am developing a performance centered around music, math, and the body. Vague yes, but I’m only in the collecting phase of my process. I came across your blog within the last year or so and am really struck by your writing. In particular, I am extremely interested in the manner in which you resist cursory readings of the things you write about--whether it be feminism, porn, or the difficulties of being a writer to name but a few. As an academic I identify closely with certain philosophers and practitioners that ask me to look beyond what’s easy and ask different sorts of questions that move beyond the surface, and oftentimes get a similar vibe when reading your writing (FYI- I hate the fact that in some way I identify as an academic type--sigh).

Like I said, I am simply collecting materials that connect in my mind around the themes of the performance. If you want I can give you more info, like how I envision a mesmerizing sound and media-based performance project that explores the ability of the body to produce multiple meanings over time especially with regard to repeated sequences of math and music, if you want. But generally speaking I can tell you that I am interested in using the moments of your writing where I get a real sense of how complicated you understand a lot of writings/attitudes toward the body to be.

Logistically speaking, the performance would be a non-profit, undergraduate event, with a run of two weeks at the most. Regardless of the size of venue I wanted to write you and make sure it was cool with the understanding that you would be cited (sometimes in the actual performance I would think). I could be more specific about which texts I was interested in using the closer we got to the rehearsal phase in August. If you have major reservations or any additional questions please drop me a line and let me know.

Hope you are well,
[Redacted]

Answer: No.

Question #3:

"Above all else, they are deeply, profoundly, unbearably sad."
 
I was very sorry to hear that.  And the horrible truth is that no matter how bad it is- yes, there is something worse.
 
When I was young and returned from sea. I would sometimes end up at the fringes of conversations where people were topping each other on some fucked up subject.  I could always wait until the end and crush the competition.  It was funny for a while- in a brittle, been-there-done-that way.  Then it became harsh, when I could just keep topping my last story.  Then, it just became hard and ugly. 
 
I know what you mean.  At first, you drink from the fire hose because it is there.  Then, I began to notice there was a taste and I did not like it.  Finally, I was not thirsty and longed for a desert.
 
Today, I am so sensitive it startles me.  When did I become such a pussy?  The people I have know, the stories I have heard, the things I have seen- when did I get so soft?
 
There is the flip side, for me.  I have stories that are sadly human but also profoundly funny.  Before there were blogs, I wanted to start a blog of sea stories. 
 
And there is the great purgatory in between.  Stories that I tell that sometimes bring down the house and other times are answered with shocked silence.  I still can't quite tell the difference.
 
The best part about going to sea was being at sea.  The ocean is an alien universe that filled me with daily wonder.  The rest was people.  You have the people and the situations.  I hope you have a flip side.
 
I have a personal question for you.  Do you have trouble meeting people's eyes, now?  When I was a child and when I went I first went to sea, I could stare a person in the eye without problem.  Now, I have trouble maintaining eye contact.  This kind of troubled me for a while.  I started holding people's eyes again and paying attention to my reactions. 
 
When I figured it out it was both illuminating and sad.  When I look into most people's eyes, I feel that I know exactly what they are thinking.  I see the fear, anger, bitterness and pleading.  It makes them feel smaller and desperate to me.  It is more than I want to see in people.  It doesn't bother me with friends and family.  It is too much in everyone else.

Answer: Yes.

Truth Be Told

Every once in a while, I get an email from a former merchant seaman. For me, it's the Valley. For him, it's the sea. You can read his first email here. You can read his second email here. And you can read his third email here.

So, like, I send you these notes and tell you to leave the Valley behind you.  But it would be a lie to say I am not jealous of you for returning to the Valley for a visit.
 
A while back, I stood looking out over the ocean.  My wife laughed at me and said I always do that.
 
"Do what?"
 
"Walk all the way out to the end of the dock and just stare."
 
It's true.  I walk out to the end until all I can see is water. 
 
She asks me if I miss it.  I want to say "more than breathing," but that would not be a good idea.  I just say yes and let the sight and feel of the ocean absorb me.  Then I go back home.  That little bit of the sea is enough to relax and fill me.  It isn't a real hit, but it does me for a bit.  I imagine it would be a little like you watching some "racy" HBO special and your friends thinking it was like being in the Valley.  It isn't, but it balms a void.  [Yeah, I know, my example could easily be way off the mark- but you know what I mean.]
 
And people think they can also go to sea and see what I do.  Maybe, but likely not.  So much depends on who you are and what you are looking for.  I think of your example of the male journalists who also witness porn.  It isn't the same once you stick your dick in it.
 
God damn me, I do miss the sea and everything about it.

Be peace.

The Pornographer Speaks

"Porn sleeps for no one." -- porn director, email. [Image: Nevver]

Regarding the Matter as to Why I Never Responded to Your Email

Hi there,

I'm a brazilian journalist from São Paulo, Brazil, and this message is to congratulate you for your work, to tell you about a ficction work I am doing and to make a confession.

First things, first. I mean, the confession. I have seen you lots of times on Playboy TV, at the Sexcetera program. And I have to tell you that you were one of my favorites reporters, along with Frank and Hoyt. In the sense that you were the ones that worked better the funny concept of the program. Actually, I loved to see how confortable you were naked. [For the record, I was never naked on that show.] And, frankly, I never believed that a beautifull blondie like you would have so much journalistic skills. And when I saw your resume and the work you do, my face turn red instantly because of the realization that it was a huge prejudice. So this is also an official apology

Then, I am trying to put together a story on internet relationships, sexual or not. And I'm doing research about that. Can you point me some good sources? And, just for my curiosity, what's your take on that? Because we are from the generation that saw the internet born. First, we have to invite the girls to the prom, had dates and so on to get to bed - at least before and after the '70's. And, now, you go to the internet, enter a chat room or put your profile on a relationship site and it's like magic, you get laid. What do you think about it?

And, least of all, your piece at The Daily Beast. Well, your point is right, but you're not considering one tiny thing in that matter. We, men, normal men I have to say, have to work our asses to hard to get a conversation with a normal girl. (In the internet, this is going down like a card's castle, because you don't have the visual, but then you have the date, when everything is back to normal.) What to say about getting her to the bedroom? It's too much swet. In contrast, a normal girl can choose, select and make whatever she wants, because her "ass" always is the target. And I am not considering the other variables, with cute men and ugly girls, and cute women and ugly guys, and so on. So, I agree with you in terms, because of the women's lib and the american puritanism and everything. But this is only one facet of the whole story.

Hope you enjoy this letter!

All best,

[redacted]

A Meat Grinder Amongst Meat Grinders

Yesterday, I posted "What Does Obama's Attorney General Pick Mean For The Adult Movie Industry?" Later, reader Dwayne Monroe emailed me his perspective on the matter. (Title by Dwayne; video via Boing Boing.)

"You wrote:

This is not say that I'm not a staunch supporter of free speech. This is to say that porn, to paraphrase Martin Amis, is a rough trade, indeed. More succinctly put, it's not easy to get fucked for a living. While liberals would like to believe a hands-off approach to porn by the Obama administration is what's best for America's collective free speech, it may be of interest for the new party coming into office to note that the last time Porn Valley was left to its own devices, life was hard, really hard, in Porn Valley.

Excellent point (even if you pressed that clever idiot Martin Amis into service to make it).

It leads to a question: how do you suppress Porn Valley's tendency towards making life hell for its workers? My answer is that you consider that tendency to be only one expression of a general capitalist habit of abuse. In polite society (and the most feverish segments of the 'gender difference' school of feminism -- wherein the difference is that men are pint sized Mephistopheles and women their relentless victims) porn is seen as other, as totally outside of normal discourse.

So, if you're a nutter like me who insists that a crazy and abusive porn director -- and the crazy and abusive world he helps create and inhabits -- is not crazier or more abusive than, say, the CEO of a coal mining firm which pays little attention to worker safety and the hard living that often develops when people know their situation is precarious, you're looked at as if you've announced you're marrying the cat. To most people, porn is the big 'Other' whose abuses are somehow even more spiritually destructive than the spiritually destructive practices of other 'rough trade' industries (or life itself under capitalism, with its never far away threat of destitution).

To bring it back to the point, to 'tame' Porn Valley you treat it as a business -- with all that entails, including the aforementioned tendency towards excess and seeing people solely as means to an end -- and put worker safety regulations in place.

As far as I know, the government's only interventions are verifying performers are of age and that obscenity statutes and 'community standards' are more or less obeyed. More is needed. Auto workers, for example, gained some amount of protection from once common dangers such as losing limbs and employers using head busting tactics by organizing and lobbying for labor friendly regs. This is a model worth following.

Instead of being seen as a business, porn is treated as an emergency -- or, to quote Giorgio Agamben, a 'state of exception' -- requiring crisis tactics. Even people who openly acknowledge the business-ness of the thing tend to slide into emergency descriptions.

The language of censorship vs. free speech is fed from and feeds back into this rhetorical state of perpetual emergency. I think the only way out is to accept that porn, in one form or another, will always be with us (and indeed, may be a necessary niche inasmuch as loneliness, sexual dissatisfaction or simply the need for some visual stimulation now and again are also permanent fixtures).

People appearing on camera for our pleasure are workers in need of protective structures which restrain owner behavior. If workers feel more secure, perhaps less crazy shit will be common.

The 'gonzo' craze can be interpreted as being both a response to falling sales (due to free or nearly so media available via the Internet) and also as a desperate effort by workers to maintain their usefulness to the industry. That is, you can see why the business wanted it and why performers consented.

On the surface, this may seem to be dramatically different from, for example, Walmart compelling its workers to do unpaid overtime (after all, no bodily fluids or filmed records are involved...well, maybe the filming) but my argument is that they're cut from the same cloth if differently shaped."

On that note, have a great weekend, because you're a homo sacer living in a state of exception, and there's no other kind of weekend to have.

Email

if i get ahold of [redacted], ill pass the new one along... good luck with whatever trouble youre  getting yourself into... :)

more importantly, i wanted to wish you congrats on finishing the first draft of your novel... i always look forward to the moment when im able to hold the whole thing in my hands, only then does it finally feel real, that all the time i spent going out of my mind actually led to something tangible, and its the first moment when i can finally exhale a breath that feels like its been held in for what seems like eternity...

as always id like to offer up a passage from my oft mentioned favorite tome, paul auster's invention of solitude... its probably my favorite quote from a book filled with mind blowing quotes, i even used part of this one to end a screenplay... it feels appropriate in regards to the theme of the last post and keeps things firmly rooted in a brooklyn state of mind...

"For the past two weeks, these lines from Maurice Blanchot echoing in my head: 'One thing must be understood: I have said nothing extraordinary or even surprising. What is extraordinary begins at the moment I stop. But I am no longer able to speak of it.'  To begin with death. To work my way back into life, and then, finally, to return to death."

'nuff said...

Email

Just Started Reading...

and find your musings engaging.

You describe moments in porn that reveal, if not beauty, humanity. I feel a connection with that thought.

I was a professional seaman for several years. I loved being at sea. When I started, I was infatuated with the stories. Sailors, like many people at the fringes, have amazing stories. I spent long periods of time in close quarters with them. It was very different from the military in that many of these people had lives, few had discipline, and all had money. I have remarked in the past that romantics, broken dreamers, and psychopaths go to sea. It is true. The sea gets everything that cannot hold on and is washed from land.

So, why the connection. People, in many ways more personalities than real human beings, at sea are a collection of extremes. It is as though the middling portions of their characters fall away and one piece of their self becomes dominant. There was beauty and truth in that. I could see what happens to a person if one facet of their personality became their entire being. Truth, because it showed me, in a small and focused way, how the human mind works. Many people I know, now, do not think it is possible for a person to believe that (fill in your blindness here). I believe it and I have likely seen it run amok.

But, I noticed a trend in that people who go to sea beyond a certain time stay at sea. They "get the sea in their blood." True. They get golden handcuffs (make too much money to move to another industry). Also true. Mostly, the rest of life does not offer the rush, peace, and truth of going to sea. I got out, but I think back on it continuously.

I say that it was an incredible lifestyle, but not a life.

The longer I spent away from the sea-going community, the more I realize how hard I had gotten. How wounded I was by what I saw and heard. How damaged I was becoming. Still, when I dream, I dream of the sea.

I see connections to some of what you say about the porn industry. That, and sailors are addicted to porn.

Be peace.

[Redacted]

More On Max

Yesterday, I wrote a post about the recent sentencing of adult director Paul Little, aka Max Hardcore. My original post is here. Xeni Jardin has posted more about the case here. Today, I've posted some of the feedback I received on the post.

"I greatly enjoyed reading your take on the Paul Little/Max Hardcore decision, but I can't really agree with the way that you engaged with Glenn Greenwald's argument. Mentioning Matt Hale's other crimes does nothing to lessen the principle of universally-protected freedom of speech outside of those crimes, and your construction could leave a reader with the impression that Greenwald defended Hale for his crimes rather than his speech. That's too bad, but I also think there's a disconnect when you wrote, 'In 1964, US Supreme Court Justice Potter Stewart opined famously of pornography: "I know it when I see it." In Greenwald's case, one would imagine it would be hard to know what one has seen if one has not, in fact, seen it. If one hasn't seen "it," how can one know what one has seen?'

But Stewart's standard - which was no standard at all, anyways, just whim - is no longer the law of the land. Rather, it's the Miller test -

* Whether the average person, applying contemporary community standards, would find that the work, taken as a whole, appeals to the prurient interest,
* Whether the work depicts/describes, in a patently offensive way, sexual conduct or excretory functions specifically defined by applicable state law,
* Whether the work, taken as a whole, lacks serious literary, artistic, political or scientific value.

The work is considered obscene only if all three conditions are satisfied.

Greenwald's entire point in discussing the farcical proceedings that convicted Little is that they specifically selected a venue for prosecution best suited to clearing that first hurdle:

'Even though he lived and worked in California, the Bush DOJ dragged him to Tampa, Florida in order to try him under Tampa's "community standards," on the theory that his website used servers physically based in Central Florida and some of the films were sent to Tampa customers who purchased them.'

And that's no legal standard at all - that's the whim of men, and most specifically men with a very particular kind of agenda regarding any and all public expressions or discussions of sex and sexuality - repulsive or otherwise. I think that the way to address this is not by a rigged judicial process but by passing better obscenity laws that have in mind as their first principles not moral scolding but the protection of porn performers, and that clearly lay down what is accepted and what is not rather than leaving those judgments to the whim of a given prosecutor. Those laws may or may not survive challenges on First Amendment grounds - but if they're written with the involvement (doesn't have to be overtly public, of course) of the adult industry, then there wouldn't have to be legal challenges. Judgments like this one make a pretty convincing case that keeping these issues out of the courts would be a far preferable outcome.

cheers,
jkd"

*

"You're right, of course.

But whenever this kind of thing comes up -- that is, whenever people point out the (usually hypocritical) relationship between our expressions of shock and outrage about porn and the fact that the product is popular -- I think about this quote, from late British physicist, David Bohm:

'Good theories, unlike bad ones, are true; but only up to a certain point.'

In context, he was referring to the transition from Newtonian principles to quantum mechanics (Newton's still right...but only up to a certain point. Beyond that, quantum physics carries on).

So when you say that Little's carnival of degradation is Who We Are I'm inclined to say yes, but only up to a certain point. I notice that no-frills videos of people just screwing (no dog bowls, no clown makeup, no magic marker labeled bodies, no insults) are popular too but seldom discussed in such an ominous way (except by the fundies -- described by Zizek as not real fundamentalists since they're apparently so unsure of their beliefs they need to police outside behavior).

Greenwald's first amendment defenses aside, I'm not sorry Little's being punished. He deserves some judicial shock and awe. As a porn viewer, I always hated his stuff, and long wondered why he hadn't been successfully prosecuted. For me, the suspension of disbelief was impossible while watching his videos. They only made me want to hit Little with a baseball bat (a type of arousal, but probably not what he was aiming for). You'll probably agree that porn is primarily an aid for masturbation (the Freudians discuss the psychoanalytic aspects, the Marxists discuss the labor exploitation elements and the Feminists decry objection and male gazes but for most of us, it's just a way to add a bit of wattage to the daily wank). Well, for that to work, it has to mostly be your fantasy.

And while I have no trouble getting wound up at the thought of say, spending some time with 'Penny Flame', for me, the inclusion of all that extreme bullshit shatters the illusion that 'this could be you and your tongue, your dick and hands at this awesome party'.

Not because I'm such a principled guy (though I'd like to think I'm far less megalomanical than Little and fellow travelers) but, more fundamentally, because degradation is not what I call a good way to spend Saturday night -- either in my actual bed or as a spectator watching an LCD screen.

The point being of course, that Little, in his max Hardcore persona, is certainly a part of the collective id.

But only a part.

Dwayne M.

*

"... Not that I know that much more about porn, but I did grow up in Porn Valley and am definitely fascinated by the business of porn, its legal issues, the lives of the performers, and all the questions of exploitation and agency (of women AND men). I can never make up my mind about it, but I always feel like my physical proximity to it gives me some claim over it. I went to Chatsworth High School and grew up in Canoga Park so I think in a lot of respects I am kind of inured to porn culture, or at least its aesthetics... big fake boobs and plastic lips and orange tans were de rigueur, though I guess now they are kind of an American standard.

Also: When I first started at [redacted], [redacted] did a shoot on a porn set in Canoga Park that was 2 blocks from the apartment I lived in during high school (a period of my life in which I went to church probably about 3-4 times a week and so didn't have much time to ponder all the unmarked warehouses in the 'hood) and so of course I talked my way into going along with them. I still haven't fully processed my day there. But ironically, I did have a keen sense of being regarded as a bit of a novelty, or being watched for my reaction - 'Isn't she cute, her first time on a porn set... how do you feel?' - and at one point, I was on the set, the only woman in the room besides the performer (mid-coitus) in a room with half a dozen male PAs, who kept looking over at me. I felt icky - not about the porn that was being filmed in front of me, but because I was being watched - and then I felt like a wimp and a hypocrite for feeling icky. It was very confusing.

I actually thought of Susannah's writing then and wondered how she is able to do it without becoming part of the narrative. Maybe it comes with time, like she was an 'embedded journalist,' or she went so many times that she managed to become like a part of the set so no one noticed her and then she was not self-conscious, either. I always really liked that she didn't feel the need to make the porn story about her and her own feelings, but the presentation of facts was still really nuanced and good and made me feel something, and made me feel that she felt something there.

[Redacted]"

*

"'To the Max' was... one of those most brilliant and heart-wrenching essays I've read about 21st century porn in recent memory.

I am in awe of you.

Eric [Spitznagel, co-author of Ron Jeremy: The Hardest (Working) Man in Showbiz]

*

"... I first read about his sentencing in Andrew Sullivan's blog, while I was I trolling for new ways to hate Sarah Palin. The link went to Salon, where I read what you read, about consenting adults and all that. By those lights, it's sort of like they're busting Andrew Blake for having his starlets wear Ray-Bans. Yours is the only piece of writing on the subject that begins to explicate the complexities of the question: should we mourn the prosecution of Paul Little? Should we be outraged? If so, why? Because, as you know, if the allure of porn is that, Hey, they're not fakin' -- they're really doin' it!, then the allure of Max Hardcore is that he's not fakin' it either. These are not fictional portrayals of sexual torture and humiliation. They're really doin' it! And we're watchin'. Wow! So the interesting thing about Max Hardcore -- and porn itself, I guess -- is not that it represents an idea, of some sorts, objectionable to some, unobjectionable to others. It represents something that actually happened, or is happening, somewhere in space and time. There is nothing meta about it. So the idea is less obscene than the actuality. But then, how can you bust the guy on obscenity charges, which are all about the portrayal? Which are all about the idea at the root of the portrayal? I mean, once you call it 'obscenity,' then you can turn around and call its suppression 'censorship.' You don't censor a guy like Paul Little. You stop him. But how do you stop a guy who's got the camera running and who traffics in images? That's the question. If he was
standing on the street corner, offering to pay youngish girls for sex, and then getting them to play out a full-blown Max Hardcore scene, you could probably bust the guy on charges of assault, cruelty, etc. But the fact that he's filming it....and that people are watching it...and paying for it....well, it makes the whole situation as complicated as you describe. You know, I was reading 'A Good Man is Hard to Find' the other day, when the Misfit blames the whole thing on Christ, saying that he threw everything out of balance. Well, Max is the Misfit. But the thing that threw the whole thing out of balance is the Camera. Its bland eye permits all. Until yesterday. Until today. And so is the sentencing of Paul Little to four years in stir a strike at the eye which offends thee, or is it a strike at what the eye saw?"

Email of the Day

"s

reading your blog the last few weeks has felt like marlow's trip down the river... its been scary, crazed, scattered, over indulgent and deafeningly silent... i am in awe of your ability to communicate even a tenth of what it feels like to be the middle of writing something that encompasses all aspects of your life, myself im a blubbering mess who disappears to remote places when i write...but i again digress, the point of the email was in regards to the note you ended today's post on... 'I'm looking for a second wind."'

That second wind can only come from your own doing but I would like to give you something that might help nudge that wind into motion. In the simplest terms, i'd like to send you a writer's 'care package.' The contents of which id rather keep a surprise but as the subject line noted, I promise it'll be much cooler than the choke anal beads... if you feel uncomfortable sending a stranger your address i totally understand, but i promise you its worth the risk :)

I offer this as the smallest token in response to the immense help your blog has been to keeping me sane while i plug ahead on my own journey down that dark river... thank you

[r]"

Email of the Day

"Fuck [redacted] - Punk Ass Bitches!

Your posts are funkier than 19 yards of chitlins with onions & sardines on the side!

You're something special Susannah - keep it coming, darlin' - we'll be here to watch the circus you put on parade each day like we always do, with baited breath... bloodshot eyes... and a purple heart.

Don't let the bastards drag you down, 'kay?"

Email of the Day

"you are courageous and beautiful and I love reading you and when you write about writing like this I love you the most. keep telling us, and yourself, the truth. Oh, FUCK? More like FUCK YEAH. Keep bringin it sistah."

Guilty As Charged, Asshole

"On 6/12/08 4:58 AM, [redacted] wrote:

Same old bs: a 'porn' critic who is above it all. None of the kink you report on turns you on. You never fantasize about things like that, and you never do it in the bedroom (or kitchen or street or barn). You devote your life to it solely as a public service.

Of course no one else does either. That's why no one watches it, no one buys it, and no one engages in it.

[redacted]"

No, I Do Not Need Your Penis Enlarger

I get emails every so often from people proposing link exchanges or asking about ad rates or wondering if I want to try their products. Last night, I got this one.

"Hi,

I am the webmaster of www.peloop.com.

I find your blog very interesting to read. Your way of writing can magnet and lure a lot of visitors/readers. Would you be able to write about our product after visiting our site?

Or if you have a friend who is interested to try our product, we can send you one. From this, you can gain insights and share your friend's experience to us.

I would really be interested to know if you would be able to post your findings/review in your blog http://reversecowgirlblog.blogspot.com, it may be a positive or negative one, with links to our site."

Peloop is a ring for your penis that's supposed to make your penis get bigger. Get it? Like "pe" like "penis" and then "loop" like, well, "loop." Honestly, I would never link to the site if it wasn't so goddamn amusing. I like this part: "The first benefit comes from the magnet. peloop™ contains a strong rare earth magnet that creates a magnetic field around the base of your penis where the blood enters." So, it's like your penis is the center of the universe, and then everything else in the universe gravitates towards your penis if your penis is sporting a Peloop? Also, do not miss the "3D animation" that shows how a magnetic field, FIR rays, and negative ions can give you the penis of your dreams. But the best part is where you get to meet the founder. Apparently, his name is Mr. Omar Long.

This is in no way a recommendation for Peloop. In fact, this is a strong recommendation that you never buy Peloop. Your penis will thank me for it.

Email Exchange

Balk: Do you ever sleep?

Me: No. I'm too busy watching scat videos.

Balk: You're such a cliche.

SexTV Is Looking for Johns & Letters from Johns: I'm a Young Black Guy

A producer at SexTV sent me an email today. They're looking for johns for an upcoming episode. The people at SexTV are good people; I've worked with them in the past.

"Hi Susannah,

My name is Layal and I work as a researcher for CTV, Canada's leading broadcaster. I am contacting you because we are currently producing a story on Johns that goes beyond the usual stigmas and explores the diverse reasons why men and women pay for sex. I was hoping to get your perspective on this topic, as someone who has written extensively on sex work and who has created an anonymous outlet for both Johns and call girls to share their stories. I was also hoping you might be able to connect me with people who could share their personal stories. But first, a bit about us...

SexTV is a documentary-style show that explores issues and art related to gender, relationships and sexuality - around the world -in an intelligent and thought-provoking fashion. Over the past ten years we have produced issue-based stories such as Sister Wives: Born Into Polygamy, Umoja (an all-female village in Kenya), The Mommy Wars, Censorship in Hollywood, In the Company of Men: Gender in the Face of War and The Boy Code: Forming Masculinity. We've also produced features on a wide range of artists whose work deals with gender and sexuality, including Carolee Schneemann, David Cronenberg, Nobuyoshi Araki, Lauren Greenfield, Catherine Breillat, Grayson Perry, Nan Goldin, Margaret Cho, Marina Abramovic, Richard Kern, Terry Richardson, Annie Sprinkle, John Waters, Larry Sultan, and many others.

I am wondering if you might know of any Johns who would be willing to share their stories, or if it would be possible to post my contact information on your blog so that those who are interested could get in touch with me? Ideally, we are hoping to speak to people who are willing to disclose their identities, but of course we are also open to speaking with those who are wish to share their story but remain anonymous. We often have producers traveling to New York and Los Angeles so ideally we are hoping to connect with people who live in those areas, or around the Toronto area, though it is possible for us to travel to other places in North America.

Looking forward to hearing from you!
Sincerely,
Layal

Layal Al-Haidari | CTV Inc.
Layal[dot]alhaidari[at]chumtv.com"

Relatedly, I've got a new letter from a john: "I'm a Young Black Guy."

Email of the Day

Hello Susannah,

I have been reading your blog with fascination for the last several months. I wish I could remember who linked to it, so I could thank them for helping me find it. Your posts are always interesting, well-composed, and thoughtful. I voted that I read your blog because I am smart, and I feel smarter for reading it. When other writers were criticizing you for introducing Letters from Working Girls, a comment I made on Audacia Ray's site was then quoted on Bound not Gagged, which then made its way to your site as "Sex Writing is a Political Act." Whether or not my view accurately represents yours, I was proud to have somehow participated in the discussion.

I'm prompted to write you now because I'm really impressed with how much content you've been putting up recently. You warned that you would be posting like a crackhead, and you are totally delivering. I imagine it might be hard to keep it up, but please know that as long as you're posting, I will be reading.

Best,
Tom